life files

or asking myself what i want out of my life now that i'm back in the game

You ever decide it’s time for a comeback? Cool. Same. In fact, that’s what I’m doing right now with my career. I’m reclaiming my time, reclaiming my belief in myself, and moving forward.

There are two parts to my moving forward.

1. Going back. Counterintuitive, but necessary. You can’t get to a new draft, until you re-read your first one, take some notes, and then make a plan of attack. If you’re like me, and found the last five, post-pandemic years to be a beguiling fog, then this step is particularly necessary. For me all I knew was that I came out of the pandemic an entirely different person (literally, lol) for a million different reasons, but I wasn’t quite sure which ones got me to the place where I didn’t recognize myself. Thus, I’ve been untangling the necklace of my life one knot at a time, until it finally wears flat again.

2. Picking a destination. It’s only recently that I’ve realized what I’ve been doing the past five years is not moving forward, but instead spinning my wheels. Which explains why I’ve been so exhausted, despite going nowhere. I can’t believe I’m about to make a car metaphor (is this the testosterone?) but getting somewhere requires a destination and not just your foot on the gas. Which bring me to my next list. (You can take a boy out of BuzzFeed, but you can’t take the BuzzFeed out of a boy lol).

kristine and i at lake cachuma in santa ynez

May I present to you my “life files.” A couple of years ago after my divorce, I wrote down everything I wanted in a partner in a google doc I labeled the “dating files.” Now my girlfriend, Kristine, is everything I wanted and more <3. Which got me thinking maybe there something to putting my hopes in writing. So here are my “life files” And if you’ve been feeling lost, too, I encourage you to write your own. Hell share ‘em in the comments.

xx,

Ash

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Life files / 5.20.26

What do I want out of life?

1. I want love. To feel loved fully, to give love freely, and to find love in places you would never expect it to be.

2. I want kindness. Generosity. Curiosity.

3. I want to never forget how strange and awesome it is to be alive and to get to experience consciousness, good and bad.

4. I want my friends and family to know I love them, without question.

5. I want to be inspired and challenged by the media I consume.

6. I don’t want to be a passive participant in my own life. I’d rather fail a thousand times and win once, than never fail at all.

7. I never want to forget I am a part of nature and not separate from it.

8. I want to be using my brain to solve problems, wonder, and create until the bitter end.

9. I want to make things that make people feel better and seen.

10. I want to be a lover, never a hater. Hating is easy, and boring. Loving requires wisdom.

11. I want to be humble. Never above working hard, asking for help, or saying I’m sorry.

12. I want to make my ancestors proud to have made me and my descendants proud to have come from me.

13. I want to believe, always, in magic. And if for some reason I am reading this in the future and I don’t, I want to remind myself that there’s always tomorrow, and you can do anything one day at a time.

And finally, I love hearing y’alls thoughts. So please,